My Week, Paraphrased: “Canker Sore”

Two things happened to me this week, reducing all other events to one hasty blur of color and sound.  Let’s recap:

1.) Sunday, November 15th.  Apparently mistaking my tongue for Sodexo cafeteria food, I bite into it.  It bleeds.  I curse publicly.

2.) Monday, November 16th.  Mutually exclusive from the tongue biting incident, an aphthous ulcer (canker sore) forms where my lower lip meets the gum line.  My mouth is its ideal habitat, and it flourishes.  I cut back on orange juice because it hurts to drink.

It has come to my realization that all scientifically written works concerning these sores are entirely too fluffy and kind.  If I had to sum it up professionally, I would say something like “these bastards hurt like hell.”  I have omitted certain words from my vernacular because of the subsequent stabs of pain caused by their required lip movements; hired an expensive, short-fused dietician to remove all sour, salty, and sharp foods from my eating schedule; stopped brushing my teeth altogether; and now speak as though my mouth is full of (non-sour) Skittles.  And if by rainbow we mean, “debilitating 3-millimeter sore, birthed by Satan and nurtured into adulthood by my naive mouth,” then yes.  I am tasting the damn rainbow.

In other bodily alarming news, my skin is partial to weather change in the same way that mosquitoes are partial to straight vodka.  Taking a shower at this point is a lot like saying, “I think I’ll go stand under running water for ten minutes and itch for the following twelve hours.”  I have yet to depart on my trek for moisturizing soap, or the ER, whichever is closer.

In happier news, I am 3 for 3 on concerts this week.  Symphony Orchestra on Sunday, Jazz Band on Tuesday, and Philharmonia last night.  I would offer an individual breakdown of each performance, but I can give an accurate blanket review by merely pointing out that the Luther College music program is better than yours.

That’s all for now.  Until I become somber or injured again,

HWN

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~ by hewhonever on November 19, 2009.

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